Disasterous Double Dating...

I don't remember what the title of this post was when I originally wrote it but I remember it being wicked clever and using alliteration, or onomatopoeia or something.

I knew that there were SO many things likely to go wrong with my speed dating fantasy that there is no way I would try it, even if I had a stable of very dependable discrete lovers/professional actors and a script writer and choreographer. SO there was no way I would meet one stranger much less many anyplace that my husband was near. (Unless of course it really was a random pick-up in front of my husband...maybe I should wear shorter skirts and wink a lot?)

SO...being one to obsess..I thought about modified versions...I ran it by "The Guys". Actually had a "Date" with 6 of them to come to a particular crowded, loud place that I know of, but have never been and no one I know goes. I say I had a date, because since all but one were married/in a relationship/Or likely lived in their mom's basement....They may have to be a no show...and that doesn't count the actual being stood up potential.

As it turned out three definitely showed, talked to two, ran out of there like a scalded cat before I had a chance to actually meet #3, and 4th claimed he was there but either was shy, clueless, or lying.

My "Signal" was supposed to my rather cute pair of red strappy heels. I figured it would be a way to either discretely notice who is looking for me or flush out the foot fetishists! (what girl couldn't use a foot massage?...J/K)

I had pictures of the guys faces. Some eagerly given, some more shyly..

First problem was there wasn't a set order they were supposed to approach..A couple of the guys that would have been on the guest list were dis-invited because they independently and persistently suggested the easy solution to the speed date logistics was a gang bang.(Not that there's anything wrong with that in fantasy / theory... Just not in a crowded bar methinks)

I don't want to bother giving these guys memorable names, because nothing happened and if something later develops with one of the guys I'll just mention then that he was one of the guys...

Take that back...one guy needs a name..and he won;t be back..lets just call him Jerk.

He was actually the second one I talked to, and the reason I abruptly left.

Everyone was supposed to get there between 6:30 and 7:00 during the "Happy Hour" and I was supposed to make a grand entrance at 7:00 to my adoring fans.

I was nervous and wanted to sneak an early look so I got there at just after 6 and was scanning the room when I locked eyes with a guy clearly looking at me..Yup..someone else with the same idea.

He smiled, shrugged, and looked down at my strappy shoes and back up.

He pointed at his wrist (where he like nearly everyone these days I just realized) wasn't wearing a watch. Its like saying dialing the phone...) He made a little come here then waggled his hand like I don't no more or less? Rather than re-invent sign language I got the idea, he wanted to know if it was OK he was early...I went over to him. He offered to buy me a drink, I said better not, yet.

He seemed nice, we talked mostly about how odd this whole situation was and I admitted that I was getting cold feet because I hadn't "dated" in years and several at once was a little overwhelming. I admitted to him that specifically 6 had invites...

He said he was the only one there so far. That agreed with my assessment, but I was curious how he knew that since he wouldn't have seen the pictures.

"Simple" I've been watching where guys are looking when girls come in. No one looks like they are definitely expecting anyone and huge racks are getting most of the attention.

I Laughed..I kind of liked this one...

I told him to hold down the fort I was going to go out and come in on schedule.

I actually walked from my car..(deliberately parked a little out of the way, but accessible for a get-away which turned out to be prescient )...twice, I got to the entrance early so I pretended I forgot something..-V8 smack to the head-..and came in the second time right at 7:00.

Jerk was acting as the doorman practically. Totally a good thing that hubby was no where around..(tax seminar)

He grabbed me by the elbow and practically dragged me to a booth where he had me corralled...

"What am I getting you to drink?" he asserted...ACTUALLY snapping his fingers at a waitress. She did come over nice waitress smile with I thought a hint of sympathy for what was probably my deer in the headlights look.

I ordered a cola...

He tried to get the waitress to add rum..I emphatically said no...

"So you want to get out of here?" he said like it was the most natural thing in the world. Apparently Mr. Take Charge works for him..considering the title of the blog, it wasn't working on this girl..I was already picturing him bent over and spanked and not in a good way.

Meanwhile guy number three was practically cued up in line a little ways away. Milling about nervously..

Jerk, oblivious as he is even noticed. "Yeah like he has a shot!" he smirked.

REALLY irritated me that Jerk was right..number three might have potential in another place but he was so obviously out of his element it was a little painful to watch..

Early Bird was scoring points for discretion with his wan smile clear across the room and without being obvious about it not making eye contact. Even approached a couple of girls chattering drunkenly and made them laugh a bit. I didn't sense it was "look at me I'm a player." Just killing time pleasantly.

I have no idea what Jerk talked about...it didn't seem to matter that I gave him a blank look every time it appeared he had asked a question. He answered his questions to me for me.

I couldn't think of a single way to extricate myself, other than flat out ditching him.

So I did. The whole bathroom dodge must've been something he has gotten used to because when I said I had to go visit it, and slid the WHOLE way around the U shaped booth to get away, I think he knew. His eyes hardened a little. Then he tried a little swaggering "you'll be back." grin. I wasn't.

Thank goodness for crowds and large people.

On the way home I used my phone to access AM and send him a lame message about I thought I saw someone I knew and had to duck out...I sent a note to early bird thanking him for being gentlemanly. He acknowledged said it was nice to meet you and didn'tt pursue..I wasn't actually brushing him off but think he thought that. I didn't have the energy to address Mr. Nervous and he apparently didn't have the courage to ask me what happened so I let that lie.

Number four picked entirely the wrong tone. His excoriating me for being a No-Show was just irritating. I hadn't seen him..(He wasn't Mr. Nervous) and I was pretty sure I was there, since I had been there and had seen myself.

I figure he was late or oblivious. Or maybe the interminable time spent with The Jerk wasn't nearly as long as it seemed.

Suddenly the suggested choreographed Gang-bang from fellows 7 and 8 didn't seem so awkward. Pass.

WAY too ambitious.

hmm as I worked on labels for this post I realized I DID give them names..I don't think you'll see two out of three of them again.